Saturday, August 20, 2011

Bacon: It's Not a Religion, People

So the other day, I think I realized something after reading what had to be the trillionth food-related post all about how bacon is pretty much better than sex. This whole bacon craze that's been going on for the past several years straight has finally jumped the shark.

Don't get me wrong! I actually do think bacon is pretty tasty... but really, people. This is starting to get ridiculous. I didn't flinch when I started seeing people on the internet trying to see just how much bacon they can stuff into a sandwich or wrap around other meats before just looking at the finished product is enough to give you a heart attack. I didn't even bat an eye when I first heard about things like chocolate-covered bacon or pastries that contained real bacon crumbles as topping. (In fact, I thought those were pretty damned creative and even potentially nom-worthy.)

When products like bacon mayonnaise, bacon salt, and squeezable bacon came out, I was starting to think things were getting a little ridic, but I also thought "why not". Food companies and product designers have to make a living somehow and adding the word "bacon" to anything seems to be an easy way to rake in the cash. However, when I started seeing stuff like the following making an appearance, I was seriously just like: "Just let it go already!"

This is something called a Bacon Bloody Mary. I'm not a fan of Bloody Marys myself, because I hate tomato juice with the fire of a thousand suns. However, I can certainly appreciate how well they probably go with a nice frittata or a plate of bacon and eggs. What I can't appreciate are the reasons as to why the bacon actually needs to be in the drink like that. I got used to the idea of seeing bacon in baked goods and candy a long time ago. However, I don't think I'll ever be able to see it in a something like a cocktail and feel like it has any business being there.

This is allegedly a colossal BLT, although I see no evidence of either the "L" or the "T" anywhere. I have to hope for the sake of humanity that this sandwich was created as a sort of joke or for shock value, because the idea of anyone actually eating that makes me sick to my stomach. I understood when people were doubling up on the bacon with breakfast "just because" and hitting Wendy's to gobble up treats like that Baconator thing they have on their menu now. This is just sick though. Anyone who would actually, seriously eat this deserves the heart attack and colon cancer they're going to wind up with. No one that stupid deserves to be alive.

I first saw this floating around the internet years ago, but I can't not include it. I think at the time, I thought the bacon mug was actually filled with nacho cheese or something along those lines, which horrified me. I now realize that the mug is apparently filled with beer instead. I'm slightly less disgusted by that idea, but still. Why do we need to drink beer out of mugs literally constructed of bacon? What do you do with it afterwards? Throw it away? As much as I hate the idea of wasting food like that, I really need to believe that you're not expected to actually eat it. Either way, it just seems so unnecessary. 

Here's where I begin to get thoroughly confused, because I feel like I missed a memo that went out to all of humanity a while ago or something. I mean... we are still popping mints into our mouths at random intervals throughout the day to freshen our breath, right? Wouldn't these just make an especially critical mouth odor situation even worse? Maybe these are a shock value product to whip out in front of our friends just so you can laugh at their WTF faces though. Maybe.

But then what would be the reason for this one?? In what way does this not completely defeat the purpose of toothpaste? When I was a kid, I remember using these really sickly sweet, candy-flavored toothpastes once that were apparently created to appeal to children. I don't know if it was just because I was the type of kid that didn't really like sweets that much or what, but just the memory of how un-fresh those things made my mouth feel is enough to make me gag. I can't even imagine what it would be like to voluntarily infuse my mouth with the greasy, salty taste of dead swine. It's even harder to imagine feeling like it's actually clean after that.
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